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The Ten Commitments... to Preserve Your Relationship
Jane really got ticked when she
learned that attracting
uncommitted partners (a phenomenon to which she was prone)
induces the same issue in oneself!
She painfully had to admit that yes, she had a
commitment issue, too! She had to stop blaming and start
looking within herself.
She realized that she was afraid to commit ...
She told me:
- I would lose myself if I commit to a relationship....
- I would have to follow the societal expectations of relationships....
- I hate the hypocritical "We are a perfect family" act when things
are far from perfect in the secrecy of one's home.
As a child, Jane suffered terribly from her family's social
values and expectations. She was forced into a mold
in order to conform to her mother's romantic
and traditional mental image of the typical "perfect family"
next door. It was excruciatingly stressful and repressive.
So Jane clearly had come to the conclusion that
a committed relationship would equal a life prison
sentence without parole.
A pleasant and attractive image. Hmm...
No surprise that she specialized in attracting uncommitted
romantic attachments.
And of course, if marriage is about becoming phony,
socially conforming, and individually confining,
she preferred not to go there. She preferred the "single mom" idea.
This is when I shared with her what a true, loving, and
committed relationship is all about.
While marriage vows are about "lifetime commitment",
they don't help anyone create a harmonious, loving
relationship that has the natural potential to last
a lifetime.
A relationship that truly works is in fact based
on a series of hidden, unconscious commitments.
As I have now experienced a committed harmonious
relationship for more than 26 years, I used my experience
to pinpoint the ten real commitments for living out a
wonderfully fulfilling and successful relationship!
What commitments must you really make in order
to have your relationship sizzle for an extraordinarily
long time?
1- Of course, the most obvious one is : I will be committed to
one person- unless a different commitment is made by
both partners due to unforeseen and unavoidable conditions.
2- I will deeply respect my lover. The latest research in
psychology has found that disdain is THE relationship killer!
(No surprise there...)
3- I will help my partner grow into his/her most happy,
fulfilled self!
4- Each time I criticize my partner, I will have
the courage to look into myself, honestly searching
for the same trait that irritates me about him/her. This
usually occurs in a different arena of life. This introspection
will often lead you (surprisingly) to recognize that you do
indeed possess the same trait. Therefore, you cannot
throw a stone. You will reach a state of compassion: "Like me,
my partner does the best he/she can with the conditioning
he/she has incurred in life."
5- I will do whatever it takes to keep and develop the trust of
my partner. Trust is the foundation of a relationship.
One must do anything it takes to maintain that trust.
6- I will be willing to grow and change when conflicts and
challenges arise. Difficulty always rears its head at some point.
The couples who are able to grow... through some inner work...
(together, not just one of them) will enjoy longevity of togetherness.
7- I take full responsibility for my own happiness.
I will do what I need to do to find inner peace and joy; I
will not require my partner to do that for me.
8- I will let him/her be free to find his/her
happiness also, as long as his/her activities are
respectful of me as the other committed partner.
9- I will accept my partner fully, including every "flaw",
and stop wishing for him/her to change.
When any shortcoming of your partner triggers irritation for you,
there two choices: either do your inner work and come to fully
accept him/her, or respectfully leave the relationship.
People are miserable when they absolutely try to make things
work by hoping that their partner will change. They are in total
misalignment as they entertain this notion.
10- I will continue growing and learning so that I evolve into
an ever-interesting and multi-faceted individual who has an
abundance to offer and share. You will prevent boredom by
reinventing your life periodically and preserving the interest and
sizzle that began the relationship initially.
If you observe closely, all of these commitments are in fact
based on self-love and on unconditional love. When you learn
to love in both these ways, you will automatically support
your partner in their own growth and never hinder him/her.
In such a supportive environment, there is then no reason
for leaving your partner... ever.
You become a team, helping each other realize goals (both
common and individual) to the fullest.
When both lovers agree to abide by the "Ten Commitments",
the question of "lifetime" commitment actually does not arise. Of
course you are going to stay in such a relationship. Why not?
And even if both partners changed and developed new needs, the
time spent together would have been fabulous, supportive, and
full of self-realization on both parts.
For you who fear "lifetime commitment", simply
commit to create a loving, supportive environment for mutual
growth and enjoyment. This is much less scary, isn't it?
Happy Halloween!
Colette
(c) 2007 Colette Streicher. All rights reserved
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